Why Fear Of Being Rejected Causes Us So Much Pain

Have you ever found yourself in the aftermath of a first date, floating on a cloud of hope and excitement? 

You know the feeling – that giddy, teenage-like euphoria where you think, 'Wow, what a date!' They laughed at your jokes and listened to your stories with a level of attentiveness you haven't experienced in a while. 

It was magical. 

You were convinced it was a home run.

But days go by, and there's nothing but radio silence from your date. 

You find yourself obsessively checking your phone every two minutes, desperately waiting for that message or call that never seems to arrive. 

Your mind is going crazy your body is in turmoil.

Your work, which is usually massively important, suddenly takes a back seat as you struggle to concentrate. It's as if you've been hit by a wave of pain. How could you have gotten it so wrong?

In those moments, it's as if your world is about to crumble. All your insecurities rise to the surface.

The feeling is visceral, almost as if you're facing an imminent existential crisis.

But why? 

What is it about the anticipation of a potential romantic connection that can make us feel like we're on the brink of emotional catastrophe?

Understanding the Science Behind Rejection in Dating:

• Brain Chemistry: When you experience rejection, it can trigger the brain's reward and pain centers. The brain releases neurochemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin when you're in a romantic relationship or pursuing one. These chemicals are associated with pleasure, bonding, and social connection. Rejection disrupts this chemical balance, leading to emotional distress.

• Evolutionary Perspective: Humans are social beings, and rejection can be perceived as a threat to our social connections, which has evolutionary significance. In our ancestral past, being ostracized from a group could mean decreased chances of survival. So, our brains are wired to perceive rejection as painful to encourage us to seek social bonds.

• Emotional Attachment:  when you become emotionally invested in someone, ( 1 date can do it ) your attachment system activates. Rejection can trigger a sense of loss and grief, similar to mourning the end of a relationship. This can lead to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and even anger.

However, here's the remarkable part: 

learning how to create your own fulfilling and satisfying life can act as a powerful shield against the sting of rejection. 

When you start to concentrate on creating a life that brings with it more moments of your passions, interests, and personal accomplishments, the impact of one person's rejection, while still painful, becomes less devastating.

You find solace in your own company more often and start to actually enjoy exploring these aspects of yourself.

Additionally, nurturing internal emotional safety and cultivating more self-love within your system plays a pivotal role in healing the pain and feelings that come from perceived rejection.

When you love and value yourself more deeply, rejection from others no longer shakes your core. you've learned the skills of emotional flexibility of self-worth that stands firm against external judgments or disappointments.

So, while the rollercoaster of dating may still bring its highs and lows, remember that your own fulfilling life, emotional safety, and self-love are your anchors. They not only help mitigate the depths of rejection but also empower you to emerge from the experience stronger, wiser, and more resilient."

It's all worth it I think, keeping an open heart and having clear boundaries is a process.

Love

Katie